Laughter is an instant vacation - Milton Berle
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.
The minister climbed
into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I
would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of
peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
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An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with
friends, and he took along a few pictures to show to them. The hostess
looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have
a good camera."
The photographer didn't make any comment, but as he was leaving to go
home, he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some
very good pots."
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Usually when people say, "To make a long story short . .
. ," it's already too late for that.
-- Alan Cohen
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God is sitting in
Heaven when a scientist says to Him, 'Lord, we don't need you anymore.
Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing.
In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'.
Oh, is that so? Tell me...' replies God. 'Well', says the scientist,
'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life
into it, thus creating man.'
'Well, that's interesting. Show Me.” So the scientist bends down to the
earth and starts to mold the soil.
'Oh no, no, no...' interrupts God, get your own dirt!
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I heard a story about a
mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a
good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her
mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea." "Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter." "You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."
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My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and
pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this
reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"
My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she
taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."
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At one point during a
game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand
what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the
affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is that we play
together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach
continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't
argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again
the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain it to your parents."
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My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and
pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this
reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"
My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she
taped her reply: "No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."
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Ed was in trouble. He
forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. Shetold him
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes
from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a box gift - wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
wife put
on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the
house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday.
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So until next time - keep laughing. It's good for your belly!!