Laughter is an instant vacation -
...Milton Berle 
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him, "Lord, we don't
need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life
out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into your
likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil. "Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."
Mental institution inmates are given a test to check
their state of mind.
The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to go out.
They start rushing to the door, but one remains sitting. The instructor
goes to him and asks, "Why didn't you join the
others?"
He replies, "Let them fight -- they forgot I have the keys!"
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The food in China can be a challenge for newcomers.
One example is that chicken is often served "cleaver style," leaving the
meat and bones chopped up together, making it difficult to eat.
Years ago, I went with a group of newcomers to a nice hotel to eat some
hamburgers and normal Western food. One lady in our group, Marie, wanted
to eat chicken without needing to spit out the bones, so she ordered
"boneless chicken."
The waiter, whose English was quite good, could not imagine what Marie
wanted. She was very insistent, saying, "I want boneless chicken.
Chicken with no bones!"
After more confusion and more insisting, the waiter finally said he
understood, wrote something down, and returned to the kitchen.
After about 15 minutes, our orders started coming out to the table.
Marie's food was the last to arrive, and when the poor waiter placed her
dish in front of her, we all laughed out loud. It was a plate of fried
eggs
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I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say, "Because it's such a beautiful animal." There you go. I
think my
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. ~ Ellen DeGeneres
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My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't. She replied, "The one without
the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."
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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night"?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like
no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks
what the sound was, but they say, we can't tell you because you're not a
monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same
monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had
heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We
can't tell you because you're not a monk. The man says, all right, all
right.. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that
sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply,
you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are
and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you
will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth
and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had
asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now
considered a monk We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks
lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is
behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens
the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The
man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and
he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went on until
the man had gone many, many doors.
Finally, the monks say, this is the key to the last door. The man is
relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob,
and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange
sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
********
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines
all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric
company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left. When one lineman
called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post
Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not
an envelope."
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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night
covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get
some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some
sleep, but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he
gave in. "OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out
of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep
forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly
gathered around him. "Do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes,
yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"
P.S. The picture at the top of this page is my niece, Brooke Bitner. I Love this picture.
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It’s a Miracle Center 1292 East 4085 South Salt Lake City, Utah 84124 email